How to Comfort a Grieving Friend: What to Say, What Not to Say

Grief is a journey that none of us can truly prepare for, yet it’s a path that so many of us will walk at some point in our lives. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a cherished pet, or even a life-altering change, the weight of grief can feel overwhelming. But what happens when someone we care about is the one grieving? How do we show up for them in a way that truly helps, without overstepping or saying the wrong thing? Supporting someone you love through their grief can feel overwhelming. It’s tough to find the right words or actions to comfort them. The grieving experience a wide range of strong and painful feelings, such as depression, anger, guilt, and deep sadness. Along with the intense pain and hard feelings, they often feel alone and isolated in their grief, as others may not know how to help.

Feeling a bit hesitant about reaching out? It’s totally normal to worry about saying the wrong thing or making things harder for someone you care about during tough times.  Or maybe you feel like there’s not much you can do to change the game. Don’t let that awkwardness hold you back. Reach out to someone who’s hurting.  It's totally okay not to have all the answers or feel the pressure to give advice. Just be yourself and embrace the moment. Just being there for someone who’s hurting means the world. Your love and support mean everything.

Ways to support a loved one who's going through grief

• Don't let worries about saying or doing the wrong thing hold you back from reaching out.

• Make sure your grieving loved one knows you’re available to listen.

• It's important to remember that everyone experiences grief in their own way and for varying amounts of time.

• See if you can lend a hand in some practical ways.

• Keep offering your support even after the funeral.

1)    Understand the grieving process

The more you understand grief and the healing process, the more you’ll be able to support a friend or family member who’s going through a tough time.

Grieving doesn't have a set path; there's really no right or wrong way to go about it. Grief doesn’t always follow a neat, predictable path. It’s like a wild ride, full of unexpected ups and downs, along with some bumps along the way. Everyone has their own way of grieving, so it’s best not to tell your loved one how they “should” feel or act.

Grief can bring about some really intense feelings and actions. It's pretty normal to experience feelings like guilt, anger, despair, and fear. Someone who's grieving might find themselves shouting at the sky, getting lost in thoughts about the loss, taking their frustration out on family and friends, or just crying for what feels like forever. Your loved one could really use some reassurance that their feelings are totally normal. Try not to judge them or take how they react to their grief personally.

Grieving doesn't come with a schedule. You know, for a lot of folks, getting through the tough times after losing someone can take about 18 to 24 months. But then again, some people might find that their grieving lasts a bit longer or even wraps up sooner. It's important not to push your loved one to move on or make them feel like their grieving process is taking too long. This might really slow down the healing process.

2)    Know what to say to someone who’s grieving

Even though a lot of us stress over what to say to someone who's grieving, it turns out that listening is what really matters more. Sometimes, people who mean well tend to steer clear of discussing death or quickly switch topics when someone brings up the person who has passed away. Or, realizing there’s really nothing they can say to help, they end up just steering clear of the person who’s grieving.

It's important for those who are grieving to feel that their loss is recognized, that it's okay to talk about it, and that their loved one will always be remembered. Some days, they might feel like crying on your shoulder, while other days they could just want to vent, sit quietly, or reminisce about old times. When you’re there and really listening with care, you can pick up on what the person who’s grieving needs. Just being there and really listening can bring a lot of comfort and healing.

How to talk to and listen to someone who is grieving

If a friend or family member is mourning, let them know that you're there to listen if they want to talk about their loss. You should never try to force someone to talk. Being honest about the person who died is important, so don't change the subject when their name comes up. And when it seems right, ask sensitive questions (without being nosy) that will help the person who is mourning talk about their feelings. Just by asking, "Do you want to talk?" you can let your loved one know that you're ready to listen.

You can also:

• Acknowledge the situation. You may say something as basic as, "I heard that your father died." Using the word "died" indicates that you are more willing to discussing how the bereaved person truly feels.

• Express worry. For example, "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."

• Allow devastated individuals to express how their loved one passed away. People who are mourning may need to narrate their tale repeatedly, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a technique to absorb and accept death. The agony decreases with each retelling. You can assist your loved one heal by listening carefully and compassionately.

• Ask how your loved one is feeling. Grief-related feelings can vary quickly, so don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels at any given time. If you have experienced a similar loss, please share your story if you believe it will assist others. Remember, however, that sorrow is a deeply personal emotion. No two people have the same experience, so don't claim to "know" what the other person is going through or compare your grief to theirs. Again, focus on listening and asking your loved one how they are feeling.

• Accept your loved one's emotions. Allow the mourning individual to grieve in front of you, become furious, or break down. Do not try to reason with them about how they should or should not feel. Grief is an intensely emotional experience, thus the bereaved must feel free to express their sentiments, no matter how irrational, without fear of being judged, argued, or criticised.

• Be real in your communication. Do not try to diminish their loss, suggest simplistic solutions, or give unwanted advise. It is far preferable to simply listen to your loved one or express, "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

• Be prepared to sit in silence. If the mourning individual does not want to chat, don't press. Often, they find comfort in merely being in your company. If you can't think of anything to say, simply make eye contact, grasp the hand, or provide a comforting hug.

• Offer support. Inquire as to what you may do to help the mourning person. Offer to assist with a specific duty, such as funeral arrangements, or simply be there to hang out or offer a shoulder to cry on.

Things you shouldn't say to a person who is suffering

• "It's what God wanted." Some people get mad at this cliché. Sometimes they'll say, "What plan?" I didn't hear about any plans.

• "Think about all the good things in your life." They know they have good things in their lives, but those things don't matter right now.

• "He's feeling better now." The grieving person might or might not believe this. Don't tell anyone what you believe unless they ask.

• "This is over; move on with your life." People who have lost a loved one may not want to move on because they think it means "forgetting" them. Moving on is also not an easy thing to do. Grief moves at its own pace and has its own thoughts.

• Things that start with "You will" or "You should" These comments give too much advice. "Have you thought about..." or "You might try..." would be better ways to start your comments.

3)    Offer practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” make it easier for them by making specific suggestions. You could say, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

If you’re able, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance. The grieving person will know that you’ll be there for as long as it takes and can look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again.

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• Shop for groceries or run errands.

• Drop off a casserole or other type of food.

• Help with funeral arrangements.

• Stay in your loved one’s home to take phone calls and receive guests.

• Help with insurance forms or bills.

• Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry.

• Watch their children or pick them up from school.

• Drive your loved one wherever they need to go.

• Look after your loved one’s pets.

• Go with them to a support group meeting.

• Accompany them on a walk.

• Take them to lunch or a movie.

• Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project).

  
  

4)    Provide ongoing support

Your loved one is going to keep feeling that grief even after the funeral has passed and the cards and flowers have faded away. Different people grieve differently, although it usually takes longer than expected. Your grieving friend or family member may need months or years of support.

Maintain your support for the long term. Maintain contact with the bereaved individual by visiting, writing, or sending cards. After the funeral, when the mourners leave, and after the initial shock, your support is more important than ever.

Avoid assumptions based on looks. The bereaved may appear fine but be suffering. Avoid stating “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This pressures the person to hide their genuine feelings and maintain appearances.

Bereavement may never heal. Be aware that life may change forever. You never “get over” a loved one's death. Bereaved people may adjust. The ache may subside, but the sadness may never end.

Provide some extra help on those special days. There are certain times and days throughout the year that might be especially tough for your friend or family member who is grieving. Anniversary, birthday, and holiday celebrations may bring back pain. Use sensitivity when necessary. Make sure the person who’s grieving knows you’re available for anything they might need.

5)    Watch for warning signs of depression

It's pretty normal for someone who's grieving to feel down, a bit lost, out of touch with others, or even like they're losing their mind. If the person who’s grieving doesn’t seem to be feeling better over time, or if their feelings actually worsen, it could be a sign that what started as normal grief has turned into something more serious, like clinical depression.

If you notice any warning signs after the initial grieving period, especially if it’s been more than two months since the loss, gently suggest that the grieving person consider reaching out for professional help.

•           Struggling to get through everyday activities.

•           Really intense focus on death.

•           A lot of bitterness, anger, or guilt.

•           Not taking care of personal hygiene.

•           Using alcohol or drugs excessively.

•           Not being able to enjoy life.

•           Seeing things that aren't there.

•           Stepping back from social interactions.

•           Feeling hopeless all the time.

•           Chatting about death or suicide.

Bringing up your concerns with someone who's grieving can be a bit tricky since you definitely don't want to come off as intrusive. Rather than giving direct advice, you might want to share how you feel: “I’m really concerned about your lack of sleep—maybe it would be a good idea to seek some help.”

Supporting someone through grief is one of the most profound ways you can show care and love. It's not always easy, and you won’t always have the perfect words or solutions, but your presence—whether through listening, offering practical help, or simply being there—can make all the difference. Remember that grief is unique to each individual, and the journey takes time. By embracing compassion, patience, and understanding, you’ll be the kind of support that helps your loved one navigate their painful journey, knowing they don’t have to walk it alone.